Standing strong amid toxic opposition
Finding a balanced approach to dealing with people who have a toxic influence on one’s life, and who do not appreciate or value one as an individual, is really hard. Those types of people tend to see or rather express only the #negative about the individuals they may have in their midst. Albert Einstein apparently had this to say about them:
“Stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution.”
Albert Einstein
Let me introduce you to Jamie
Let me introduce you an example of such a type of character and see if you recognise this in someone who may be in your circle or an acquaintance from the past. There is a brand new addition to your group of friends. He/she whom I will henceforth refer to as Jamie seems fantastic – bubbly, energetic, loads of fun and seems genuinely empathetic and authentic. Very much a large- and-in-charge type of individual. Jamie always seems to be flashing a gushing smile, have a great sense of humour and people seem to enjoy hanging out. Well, at first.
Jamie seems well-versed in the worldwide happenings of the day and is extremely intelligent and likeable. Current affairs just roll off the tongue and Jamie has many an interesting tale to tell. But there is something about Jamie … You just can’t put your finger on it. Every time you engage with Jamie, despite really liking the individual as a person, something doesn’t sit well and you end up feeling decidedly less than. In your heart, you feel as though your worth has plummeted, your proverbial stock has taken a hit and you don’t know why. You start to feel mildly uneasy.
The life and soul of the party
Jamie is, of course, also hilarious; the real life and soul of the party. One day, as had now become the norm, Jamie was entertaining the crowd and, all of a sudden, you were the butt of the joke. Out of the blue, the glare of misplaced attention was squarely on you and you found yourself squirming in your seat. A #vulnerable topic had been woven into the conversation and you watched uncomfortably as beloved friends almost fell off their chairs laughing … at you. And you were hurt.
Another part of you felt incensed. Surely they knew better … But, angelically smiling back at you was dear Jamie. And, of course, Jamie immediately apologised and said that he/she had no idea it was offensive and would hurt you. Everyone instantly believed Jamie and told you not to take it seriously or personally, not to be overly sensitive and over-analyse the situation.
Once again, you were made to believe that you are over … over-analytical, oversensitive, just too much. But nobody could explain the hurt inside. As usual, you did an override of your gut and thoughts; alright everyone can’t be wrong, right? And you let it go unaddressed and the moment passed. Later on in the evening, just when you are starting to relax, Jamie allowed you to see a well-timed smirk just before beaming a smile to the rest of the company and the façade changed to pure innocence. No one else was even a tad the wiser.
On another occasion a while later, now thoroughly doubting that you have read the situation correctly, you tell yourself it must have been the shadows that night. The lighting was quite bad, wasn’t it? The smirk must have been your imagination. Perhaps, you really are too sensitive, even imagining things. Jamie had been really nice since, and the others think that Jamie is a saint.
One night, like the days gone by, the whole gang, decides to go to the movies together like you guessed it old times. It used to be such fun and you have set traditions of how the night is done.
A let-down or a put-down
You are E-X-C-I-T-E-D. There has already been consensus that a movie you have been dying to see is the movie the group has also decided to see. As these opportunities are so rare and far between, what with conflicting and busy schedules, the excitement is ramped up so high. Turns out, new friend Jamie had already seen it and thought that the latest sci-fi was the best thing ever and a better option because Jamie can’t be wasting money on a movie already watched and nobody had the heart to tell Jamie to stay at home.
The obliging friends agreed, and not wanting to be a party-pooper, you go along, so instead of watching the thriller you were itching to watch, you sit there seething, watching something you hate and all you can recall later is just sitting through it, fuming. The resentment is building …
You have noticed that the new “IT person”, Jamie, unfortunately, also seems dead keen to show you up among the rest of your enamoured set at every turn. Did I forget to mention that said person had a beautiful visage and a bold confidence that just seemed to entrance the other half of the population? Get the picture. Hangers-on were they. These days, you often go home feeling less than and like you are losing your crowd of friends. And there is nothing you can do about it. Nobody really hears or understands your concerns. Jamie is just so nice.
What about WhatsApp messages – all becoming about Jamie’s favourite things and fawning members can’t wait to respond. Jamie seems to dominate everything. To boot, there is a competition about hairstyles, sartorial choices the works. It is subtle but it is there. And then the biting remarks come, more frequently now.
Always followed by the sunniest of smiles. Your gut is screaming at you but you find yourself doubting your assessment of things. Once again, you brush it off as being overly sensitive, you continue to feel very vulnerable and have, on the odd occasion, burst into tears. But talk about it, no. You won’t be heard anyway, so what is the point?
Jamie certainly seems to possess a list of accomplishments that seem never-ending. Jamie’s fabulosity knows no bounds. But why do certain aspects of their life not seem to match up. Why is Jamie even mingling with this group? Your nose for the unusual is smelling a rat. Others are fooled, but you are starting to see the big picture and it is not pretty.
But that visage – the pretense is a masterclass in deception. You realise you are on your own here. What now? Do such people exist? Hard for me to fathom, but I have realised that many people have a nemesis with some of the characteristics I have just described. Someone who is out to undermine, belittle and seemingly make one look bad in front of others and often, for reasons unbeknownst to the person in the firing line.
It may come as a surprise, but I found a storied tale of centuries ago in the Bible that surprisingly shed light on some aspects of this for me. I, myself, had had the misfortune of running into someone who, on the surface, seemed amazing only to take me down at every opportunity said individual got, and always managed to flash that innocent smile.
Let me introduce you to an instance of some pretty unhealthy sibling #rivalry. Surprisingly, the Bible is rather full of sibling rivalry: I have a few guesses about why. Do you? But this is not just applicable to siblings.
It is useful in any setting where someone sees something in you or believes that something you have should, in fact, be his/hers – from physical possessions, to positions, titles or roles in the workplace to relationships – anything really that in some way that the individual believes should be in their hands and not yours.
Right royal rivalry
Let’s dig right in – two brothers are having a moment. No, not those two feuding British princes, but I see quite a few parallels in the story and there is royalty involved. Intrigued?
A long time ago, in the Middle East, lived a relatively proud father of eight boys who was very advanced in years. Something awful happened one day when the king of that time was rejected by God as ruler of the land.
A new king had to be anointed and this man, Jesse was his name, had his family singled out for the privilege. Like a blockbuster movie, there was a lot of suspense as to who the next man for this important job would be. Here comes the twist though, the prophet who had been called upon to make this decision was informed – during the process – that the ultimate checklist did not include the obvious physical characteristics, but that the new king would be a man after God’s own #heart. There would be more to him than the externals.
After all, the recently deposed king seemed to be an obvious choice based on those very credentials. He was a full head taller than any other man around him and seemed to have the stature required of being a king and ruler of a nation.
At this time, primogeniture reigned supreme. According to the Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary, it is defined as “the right of succession belonging to the firstborn child, especially the feudal rule by which the whole real estate of an intestate passed to the eldest son.”
This is where this story takes a turn for the inexplicable and unpredictable. The prophet meets the eldest, but he is deemed to be unsuitable, a pattern which would repeat itself as he was introduced to the rest of the clan, six more sons come out and none of them are pronounced as the one either.
Samuel enquires whether there are any other sons. Awkward, I would think. Only to discover that there was another who was not even invited because he was the youngest. My goodness, the lad was not even required to be present so far down the line of succession was he. But it was the day everything would change for a certain young man – he was chosen as the successor based on the qualities of his heart.
He was a mere teenager, though healthy and #handsome, with a valiant heart and genuine humility. How his life was to change, and how he would become the recipient of fairly #hateful thoughts, actions, etc. Well, you guessed the protagonist of this story, a young David at the cusp of his glory days in Israel.
If you are familiar with the life of David, I am sure that your mind may immediately make the connection to two other characters: Goliath and Bathsheba, right? Should I mention 1 Samuel 17, you think Goliath for sure, don’t you? Well, you are right in that the chapter possibly contains one of the most well-known battles ever recorded, but there is another relationship that I want to emphasise here and to be honest, it isn’t one of the more popular ones either. Curious?
It is a unique one that only jumped off the pages for me quite recently. And believe me, I have read and re-read this chapter for inspiration and wisdom many times over the years, not to mention the sermons I have heard and even watched the odd clip or animation on it. So let me get to the point.
Eliab and David
I want to talk Eliab and David. Eliab was David’s eldest brother. We first read about him in the preceding chapter. After King Saul had been rejected as king, a new king had to be anointed and God had sent his anointing prophet to the house of Jesse. I am sure once Eliab found out, all too aware of primogeniture, he probably felt pretty sure that he was in a good position for this role. Who knew what his aspirations were.
In fact, when Samuel, the prophet, saw Eliab, in verse 6 of the chapter, the Bible says that he thought the following: “Surely the LORD’s anointed stands here before the LORD.” However, 1 Samuel 16:7 expresses the heart of God, “But the LORD said to Samuel, ‘Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him.” Can you relate to being someone who is duped by the outward appearance? How many times have I made mistakes doing this.
Verse 7 then continues as follows: “The LORD does not look at things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” At this stage, nothing further is said specifically about Eliab’s character, but one thing is clear; his heart is not right.
But let’s backtrack ever so slightly; God had rejected Saul as king due to his disobedience. Though he looked the part, he did not obey God and when challenged, he said that he feared his men and wanted to please the very men around him. He had literally missed the mark, crossed the line of obedience, on a very important assignment, one that would someday, have dire consequences for the nation. nearly lead to the extinction of the nation. It is important to understand from the Scriptures that he could be described as a bit of a coward? How would you describe him as a leader?
This is how the Bible describes David at the time of his anointing:
“… He was glowing with health and had a fine appearance and handsome features. Then the LORD said, ‘Rise and anoint him; this is the one.’”
1 Samuel 16:12 (New International Version)
At this juncture, it is important to stress that although David was certainly handsome and there is nothing wrong with that, it was his heart that pleased the LORD and on that basis he was chosen. It was also the basis on which Eliab was rejected. Please note this as we dig a little deeper into the clash in chapter 17, it is a bit of a backstory to the larger-than-life battle with Goliath. Also note that after David’s anointing as king, it became apparent that the LORD was with him.
So we are going for a deep dive of what man sees and what God sees as well as what God regards as important. But back to the humungous Goliath and his filthy disregard for the Israelite army. And back to the trenches where the Israelite army has mostly been cowering in fear. Goliath wanted man-to-man combat and nobody was willing to risk it. My goodness, you could die …
This is the backdrop to the story of when we encounter Eliab again, yes, in this famous chapter 17 of 1 Samuel, where neither he, the king nor any other Israelite is keen on taking on Goliath. All of this despite the fact that King Saul has promised to reward the warrior who was able to take Goliath down, in my opinion, a colossal failure on the part of King Saul.
Then, we pan back to David, who was sent by his father, after finding a replacement shepherd and who sets off early in the morning to take supplies to his brother on the front lines. We are further introduced to a young man who takes his father’s authority and instructions seriously; a beautiful response when we consider obedience to our Heavenly Father. He does what is expected and finds himself at the front lines as a result. Clearly, it was not his decision to be there.
Eliab’s heart is exposed
Guess who isn’t pleased and takes a swipe at him? Just hearing his voice set off Eliab’s anger. Why? Is it that there is some insecurity or a gaping wound in his heart? Does he feel hard-done by this boy? Supplanted? The Bible does not elucidate. It is mere conjecture on my part. Despite how Eliab felt, it is important to note that it certainly wasn’t David’s fault that he was chosen just like it was not Eliab’s doing that he was born first either. Furthermore, it is clear that David has done nothing to kindle such wrath.
Then came the insidious character assassinations. From the outset, Eliab questions his reasons for being there in the first place. The answer is that his father sent him. Why? To make sure that his brothers were, in fact, alright. In other words, he could have shirked responsibility but he did not and it was all about his brothers. By all accounts, David’s motives appear to be pure.
Let me quote from the Bible to avoid bias – here is their brief interaction in verses 28 and 29:
When Eliab, David’s oldest brother, heard him speaking with the men, he burned with anger at him and asked, “Why have you come down here? And with whom did you leave those few sheep in the wilderness? I know how conceited you are and how wicked your heart is; you came down only to watch the battle.” 29 “Now what have I done?” said David. “Can’t I even speak?”
1 Samuel 17:28-29 (New International Version)
Then his brother rails at him some more, secondly, he accuses him of neglecting duty and inferring that he had left the sheep unattended. Not only that but he says few sheep creating the impression that what he did was not really that important. Has someone tried to undermine you in a public setting? Can you relate? What could their motives be? Did you feel ashamed and attacked? What did you do?
But then comes the cherry on top: he goes on and says that David is the possessor of a wicked heart, the very heart that God said was right before him and the reason he chose him as king. The Enemy has infiltrated Eliab’s heart and Eliab is literally going straight for the heart as he shoots to kill here. But why? Is he bitterly jealous? Feeling snubbed? Embarrassed? Ashamed?
It is the heart that was the definitive characteristic for kingship and God had pointed out that Eliab did not have the right heart for the job. But then Eliab goes for the jugular and says that David is conceited. Now, in defence of David at this point, there is a thread running throughout the entire Bible that shows that God opposes the proud and gives grace to the humble. Therefore, would a man that pleases God be one that is conceited? Strike out again, Eliab!
How do you handle it when someone, even one quite close to you, keeps making all kinds of disparaging comments about you and casts aspersions on your character at every turn? It seems as though the person in question is out to tarnish or even damage your reputation. They work hard to make you look bad. I don’t have definitive answers about why they go to such great lengths or is it, in fact, plumb new depths to undermine.
Getting to the heart of the matter
I found it interesting how Eliab went for the very thing that had already been ascertained in the narrative. God’s sovereign choice was based on the new king having the right heart; the same basis on which Eliab was rejected. By God’s grace, the Bible reveals more of Eliab in these few verses to help us to understand why he could possibly have been rejected before the LORD. The good news is that he could repent and have a change of heart so I am not beating up on Eliab.
But it is important to see how he strikes back. He lashes out in the self-same way he could have felt rejection. That was the revelation of this passage for me. When dealing with similar characters and vitriol to that being dispensed here, perhaps try to discern where the poison is coming from and where the crossbow is pointing. I believe you may find significant clues about why someone is responding in a certain way.
Whether Eliab felt slighted, offended, jealous, envious, angry, maybe even a bit devious, I suppose the proverbial jury is out on that, but the Heavenly Judge of all Judges had judged and found him unsuitable at the time. The Bible is very kind in this respect; it only reveals his heart in the light of David but is not an indictment and assassination of his character, just a few verses of insight. Do you see the thread of resentment permeating through Eliab? Can you relate to having people in your life who fit the bill for these tendencies?
How did David react? He simply said, “Now what I have done? Can’t I even speak?” Perhaps, I read too much into it, but it seems that David is so used to this treatment and so resigned to it, it is almost as if he is saying, “Agh no, what now?”
But something that has truly amazed me in the face of that barrage of untrue accusations, proven to be wrong by none other than God himself, is that David did not show signs of being worn down. In fact, he continued what he had been doing? He did not refute it; he did not try and explain why his brother was, in essence, a liar and quite a bitter young man. None of that. His focus was literally on the battle at hand. It is ironic isn’t it, me saying that he had to choose his battles. Not lost on me in the least.
Are you keeping your focus on the spiritual battle? Or are you being distracted by an enemy that is obviously in the wrong? I think nobody would have blamed David for setting this man straight, but he did not do it. He saw something so much more important going on. And I believe he respected and loved his eldest brother. Also, God’s spirit was powerfully on him so I suspect that David knew what he was dealing with. As a result, he could find it in his heart to treat his elder brother with compassion and kindness. David knew who was ultimately in charge of his life.
But back to the biblical narrative: the most important thing at that stage was that Israel was under attack, and the leader of the nation had been rejected by the LORD. To David, God’s man and anointed king too, this was an affront. He did not take kindly to Goliath who was insulting God’s very army and funnily enough, God’s reputation. AND he was having none of it. His gaze turned to this man that he saw as a disgrace and didn’t blink an eyelid when called upon to fight this giant.
Courage to slay a giant
Goliath literally had no idea what hit him. Though Goliath despised David when he saw him as the Bible says, the young shepherd boy took him out. Goliath ran into a David literally spoiling for a fight. Before we get too fixated on the bravery, courage and all the rest, I am not actually going into that today because it is for another time when we talk about Saul.
Yet, what a powerful way for the new king of Israel to make himself known, not in his own strength but as directed by God. Not a long while before the actual battle had ensued, David had been belittled and perhaps it could be perceived as being put in his place and had responded, “Can’t I even speak?”
From being side-lined in a way and prevented from speaking, David made a bold statement in all Israel. In our modern day, it could be likened to making national headlines: actions definitely spoke louder than words. With his actions – his heart was there for all to see. And God got the credit and Saul soon became petrified.
I hope that I have managed to convey all of the life lessons I was able to glean from these rich nuggets of God’s Word, I believe, as the Spirit enabled me to learn some wisdom in this precise area. That it helps you with your own boundary infringements and people who cross the line inadvertently or not.
I have realised, from this passage of Scripture, that people tend to attack from the place where they feel aggrieved whether one is at fault or not. What I will say is that it is hurtful whenever one is at the receiving end of it. Hopefully, you and I can deal with it with all the compassion and assertiveness required if ever we should encounter it – much like a shepherd boy of yesteryear.
What I also know is this: that God had been proven right that day when he chose his man. Not long after that, this interaction with the giant happened and the man after his own heart stood up to take his rightful place and in so doing, put an end to a giant of a bully of the people and to the giant’s reign of terror. God always comes through and God is predictably right about these things. Keep the faith. Let me know your thoughts.
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