Letting go of these 10 things – 40s living
Why should you stop drinking or smoking in your 40s? And what about thinking bad thoughts?
Let go of what you may ask? Well, there are certain things that are no longer beneficial to our #bodies, minds and souls as we #age.
1. Drinking too much alcohol
Oh dear, what a party pooper. Why do I say this? First, some background information: South Africa is one of the top 10 wine-producing countries in the world and the quality of our wines is definitely not in dispute. We are proud of vintners and the heritage of #wine production passed on over the centuries. The industry took a huge hit as a result of Covid-19 but has proven robust and is recovering. I wonder why hey …
However, on the flip side, statistics in the last decade revealed that our country had one of the worst rates of #drunk driving in the world. We have an entrenched culture of heavy drinking. So the challenge is not just one of restraint and the fact that individuals deciding to limit consumption are literally required to swim upstream socially. But setting that aside, you or a loved one could be a victim of a drunken driver, either severely injured or even succumb to injuries as a result? Sobering isn’t it? But why should you as a woman in her 40s specifically reduce consumption?
For starters, it has a huge effect on the liver. Catherine O’Keeffe, of the menopause coaching website, WellnessWarrior.ie, explains why a favourite tipple can turn traitor in midlife.
Alcohol’s effect on hormones
She responds to the question, So what does alcohol do to your liver and your hormones? as follows:
The #liver is our storehouse of antioxidants, think Vitamin C & B Vitamins. What is generally unknown is that magnesium and iron are also stored here – these are crucial at any stage in life. Magnesium for the muscles, nervous system, sleep, etc. Iron is stored in the liver as ferritin (think serum ferritin when you get your blood results) and is essential for energy. Alcohol depletes these stores and therefore depletes your body’s reserves of these essential vitamins and minerals.
She also mentioned the following notable effects:
- Men process alcohol through their bodies much faster than women – our bodies work it through at a slower rate and so the side effects last longer.
- Alcohol is a depressant – no sugar coating this one it’s a fact. Drinking #alcohol puts added stress on your adrenal glands, it increases the stress hormone cortisol and after an initial rush leaves you feeling low and tired.
- Heightens the physical symptoms of menopause especially night sweats, hot flushes, and anxiety. In relation to anxiety if you are experiencing any levels of anxiety I would strongly encourage you to minimize alcohol consumption, it is your biggest enemy when you are experiencing anxiety.
Exacerbating symptoms of perimenopause
This A Vogel article elucidates whether alcohol can affect symptoms of perimenopause. I believe the answer is a resounding yes. Here is what it had to say in a nutshell. “Definitely. Too much alcohol can trigger hot flashes, induce poor sleep and affect your mood. It can also strip you of nutrients, especially things like calcium and magnesium, which you need a lot of during perimenopause and menopause. Alcohol can affect your joints and increase joint pain, which is already horrible at the best of times.”
Perhaps after hearing that, reducing consumption of alcoholic beverages doesn’t sound too far-fetched after all. That, however, does not mean that you cannot make the most of the occasional tipple and, in the process, savour the moment and make the whole experience so much sweeter.
I am aware that aspects of ageing are literally a bitter pillow to swallow and I am sometimes so zealous to get the message across, I relay the rather tough facts in a matter-of-fact way. Hopefully, we can get through the worst two now and then on to more philosophical ones thereafter.
2. A no-brainer: QUIT SMOKING!
Ready for number 2? Well, this one is a no-brainer for me: SMOKING. As someone who had a father who was a chain smoker and endured passive #smoking for most of my childhood, only to see my father fight #cancer of the larynx as a result, you know why. Dad eventually lost his larynx and with it his ability to use his voice. Cigarette packaging does not say that smoking can kill you for nothing.
But why do people smoke? I have had the privilege of working at a number of organisations over the years. What I have witnessed is that colleagues across the board seem to connect to other smokers in a unique way and many see it as an important part of their identity. Drinkers, I believe, can relate. They appear to be the cool crowd and know the water-cooler details first. Teetotallers and health nuts have never quite been in the same league. I am not sure whether this has changed by now.
But are you aware that smoking harms nearly every organ of the body. What is the deal with regard to the effects of smoking that is unique to women? I refer to a Smokefree.gov article. Smokefree.gov is a US government initiative to help people to quit smoking.
Women who smoke need to be aware …
It advised: “People who smoke are more likely to have certain health issues and get certain diseases compared to those who don’t smoke. Some health issues are immediate, while others develop over time.” The article mentioned specific effects that women need to be aware of as follows:
- Reproductive Issues – the one that I thought was especially pertinent was that women who smoke go through menopause at a younger age, and have worse symptoms.
- Respiratory Issues – Smokers are more likely than non-smokers to get chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD). This disease makes it hard to breathe, and it gets worse over time. There is no cure for COPD. Each year, more women than men die from COPD.
- Cardiovascular (Heart) Issues- People who smoke have an increased risk of heart disease—which is the number one cause of death for both women and men in the United States. For people under the age of 50, most cases of heart disease are related to smoking.
- Cancer – People who smoke have an increased risk of many cancers, such as lung, pancreatic, kidney, liver, throat, bladder, and colorectal cancers.
I hope that this will be the impetus for you or loved ones to consider ditching this habit. It includes those smoking the hookah pipe as it is also #addictive and, perhaps, even more #harmful than #cigarettes. There just is no upside to smoking, but if you decide to quit, this is what could happen according to the above-mentioned article, I quote:
“When you become smoke-free, your mind and body will begin to heal immediately. Quitting smoking can improve your mood and give you more energy to do the things you love. It also lowers your risk of getting certain diseases in the future. It’s never too late to gain the benefits from quitting.”
Allow me some self-indulgence; despite the fact that I have just asked you limit some of yours. Ironic, isn’t it? This list that I would like to share with you today comprises a few things I need to let go of personally. And I think you will be able to relate. After some reflection, I realised how far I still need to go.
But before we dive into the next eight, I would like to share a story of release with you. I had been carrying a lot of hurt around, and perhaps resentment too, for a while that I knew I needed to let go of.
On a recent extended weekend away, I decided to let it go in a tangible way. I decided to write down what I was letting go of and placed it in a tiny bottle, corked it and, finally, after a simple acknowledgement released it in the ocean.
Earlier that same day, I had been reflecting on the biblical story of Joseph. Voddie Bauchamp, the preacher, brought the meaning of the name of Joseph’s first-born son to my attention. He paraphrased the name Manasseh and stated that it meant let that stuff go. I could not fail to see how it all perfectly aligned and have felt free ever since in that specific area. God had allowed everything to work out just the right way. I am so glad I did it, but I have some more work to do.
3. Busting bad thoughts towards yourself and others
I believe that most of us are self-aware and know when we are having bad thoughts of or holding grudges towards others. What about the things we tell ourselves? Personally, I need to stop berating myself. I am my own worst critic and cannot seem to do anything right in my own eyes sometimes and need to stop beating myself up. This negative self-talk has to be nipped in the bud.
4. Give self-sabotaging beliefs the boot
My biggest issue over the years has been this stubborn belief that I am not good enough. Painfully, tt has stopped me in my tracks on many occasions. It is something so deeply entrenched in my mind-set that I have to do the work of uprooting it and being vigilant about it whenever it makes its appearance. Then I need to pick it apart like someone meticulously defusing a bomb preventing detonation.
Yes, that could describe the far-reaching consequences it can have. And no, I am not talking about pursuing a career as a brain surgeon later on in life. I am referring to everyday situations – the way my own thoughts have hamstrung me. Not just professionally, but I also developed a propensity for running away from normal tasks sometimes too, in the mistaken belief that it has to done in the right way and my clumsy fingers fumble … Sounds stupid, hey? More about insecurity later.
5. Stop comparing yourself to others
It is something I have wildly indulged in over the years. And often, it has reinforced this idea that I was not pretty enough, not good enough, not where I needed to be, etc. I have been having a lot of thoughts connected to self-doubt lately. When I see the #achievements of other #professionals who I regard as having “made it”, I stand in awe with the belief that I have failed and cannot hope to achieve something worthwhile.
Those thoughts of mine need to be held in check and I need to continue to be the best I can be as no two lives are the same and neither are the opportunities. Perhaps, it is time to do some introspection, define what needs to change and accept where I am at. What about you? I think that Dr Anthony Youn said it best when he said:
“Don’t measure your progress using someone else’s ruler.”
Dr Anthony Youn
I shall have to make more effort to remember that when the compare-yourself curse strikes again.
6. Do not let others dictate your life
This one flows seamlessly from the point above. Sometimes we can be so busy looking at where others are going that we forget to see where we are headed ourselves – we are even trying to run in their lane leaving our lane empty and abandoned. So in awe of them are we that we even give them carte blanche to take over the driver’s seat in our individual lives.
We need to keep our eyes on and stay in our lanes and not allow others to tell us where they think we should be going. However, if for various reasons, an individual doesn’t know where you are going, of course, the natural progression from that situation is that you would allow others to dictate to you. In the end, people who have no business defining your life now have the power to affect your very identity and destiny. A car crash in the making to be sure and we will probably not get out unscathed. Think about that – sometimes we voluntarily give up our own autonomy and rarely take time to consider the consequences.
7. Refuse defeat and never give up on your dreams
“Every step towards your dream today is a step away from your regret tomorrow.”
Dr Steve Maraboli.
By now, if like me, you have managed to have these kind of thoughts, it is clear that you may have missed a few stops on the boat of your own destiny. Your dreams may seem to be a hazy memory, on the back-burner of yesteryear: near impossible to achieve. That is sometimes the price we pay when we don’t go for it. May I encourage you to pursue your #dreams, with a great deal of caution, of course, we are no longer 20 any more you know, but with all the gusto and passion you have got.
8. Never waver, but have the courage of your convictions
I suppose all of this is linked to having the backbone required in the first place. Knowing the hill you are prepared to die on and sticking with it in the face of severe adversity. I am not referring to extremism here or for a moment recommending that advice should not be sought, that is not the case at all. I am referring to overcoming fear, and with a rational mind, understanding the landscape in which you find yourself and then making informed decisions about the way ahead. If that has been done, not any old wave of fear, discouragement or negativity should knock you off your path.
9. Dump crippling insecurity
Now this is a particularly tough one for me. I don’t know if you can relate to that feeling of worthlessness, that feeling as though there is a massive neon sign on your head that everyone can see when you are feeling vulnerable and you feel like you could just be swallowed up. Many things can trigger it – I am sure you know what triggers you.
I do not think that is a coincidence that I recently came across an article about how people mask their own insecurities and dare I put it to you that their insecurities could likely trigger yours. The article listed 11 ways that individuals can mask insecurity. Just to be clear, so not only are we dealing with our insecurities, but we should understand that most of us have found ways to mask it as well and this can cause so much damage to our relationships.
The masks mentioned in the article are as follows, some are self-explanatory and others will need more of an explanation to clarify meaning and I will expound as I deem necessary. I recognise myself in at least one or two as I have become quite adroit at masking it and you may encounter it in others too. Here goes:
1. The martyr or victim mask
2. The bully mask
3. The humour mask
4. The calm mask
5. The overachieving mask: If you are wearing the overachieving mask, you may strive for perfection. Anyone using this mask might hope to gain acceptance and praise for doing things perfectly. In this case, self-esteem relies too heavily on being perfect, which means you might internalize any mistake. The need for perfection can also cause a constant state of anxiety. I relate to this one, but the perfectionism thing is not unique to this mask.
6. The self-bashing mask
7. The avoidant mask: The avoidant mask involves withdrawing into yourself for fear of rejection and judgment of your mistakes.
8. The controlling mask: The controlling mask wearer strives for a different type of perfection. If you use this mask, you will try to control everything around you so you can achieve a sense of security.
9. The people-pleasing mask: If you wear a people-pleasing mask, your self-esteem depends on the acceptance from others. You may often go out of your way to make sure other people around you are happy.
10. The socializer mask: If you wear the socializer mask, you will use your ability to talk with anyone to mask insecurity. Though you may have many acquaintances, you may not have many meaningful friends because you keep conversations from going too deep.
11. The conformist mask: If you wear the conformist mask, you seek to follow what everyone else around you is doing. You’re desperate for acceptance and will follow cues from others in social groups you want to belong to.
Here is why I think that this masking of the dreaded insecurity is so dangerous. It destroys vulnerability and one’s ability to draw close to others. Simply because there is a barrier, that though one is unable to put a finger on it, it is clear that something palpable is blocking it.
It prevents true authenticity and enjoyment. What do I mean? Sometimes, we are so busy rearranging our masks, we have no time to be in the moment and savour that once-in-a-lifetime spontaneous occasion. It is possible that we can lose out on special moments and deepening friendships – instead we find ourselves responding superficially, trying to be perfect or right and end up profoundly lonely. These days, being uniquely you is so hard and swimming upstream against a torrent of superficiality can be so exhausting.
“You were born to be real, not to be perfect.”
Dr Anthony Youn, a board-certified plastic surgeon
Dr Youn, ironically, seems to have nailed this thing on the head yet again.
And what about the notable line from the Colin Firth movie, What a girl wants, in which the character Ian asks, “Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you are born to stand out?” Believe you me, that one particularly resonated as only truth can when it hits you. Can you relate?
Imagine being a people-pleaser hanging out with a controller and any of the other combinations, it is no wonder that building meaningful relationships is so hard. I plan on being a lot more vigilant about identifying this.
10. Banish small-dream mentality, dare to dream big
I don’t think that this will be a surprise to anybody. If you have a few traits I mentioned previously on this list, you may have very little confidence to believe in your dreams and rather play it safe with what you believe you are capable of instead of fully exploring what has been placed inside of you. I plan to stop cowering in fear, look life squarely in the face this new year and see what miracles can happen. What about you?
As the year 2022 draws to an end, I want to end today’s podcast with the lyrics of Natasha Bedingfield’s song: Unwritten. I think that it is particularly apt considering what has been covered today. Let me know if you agree.
Unwritten: Song by Natasha Bedingfield
I am unwritten
Can’t read my mind
I’m undefined
I’m just beginning
The pen’s in my hand
Ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, oh, oh
I break tradition
Sometimes my tries are outside the lines
We’ve been conditioned to not make mistakes
But I can’t live that way
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, yeah, yeah
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