Confidence upended by a gift bag
A while ago, I decided to embellish a plain gift bag to really show my appreciation to a friend who was celebrating a personal milestone. Unfortunately, despite high hopes for its aesthetics, the end result was a disappointment, nearly succeeding in ripping my fragile confidence to shreds in the process.
You see, though not one gifted with precision – and there are many examples to support this limitation – I, nonetheless, have been blessed with an incredibly active imagination and have graciously been gifted with a modicum, indeed, a measure of creativity. Can you relate to having glorious visions of how you envisage something in your mind, only to create something that is decidedly less, if you are being completely kind to yourself?
Intended flair, lacking savoire faire
I had this vision in my head; it had been percolating like a highly anticipated, hot coffee on a cold day. It entailed adding flair, only to discover that it, in fact, it lacked the requisite savoire faire.
Instead of revealing something of ethereal beauty and elegance, a rather amateurish attempt devoid of the precision required was produced, despite the time I had poured into it. I had not measured the ribbons accurately and frayed ends were taken to task with some matches, but the overall look was inconsistent. Practice makes perfect and I clearly need to make a few more before hitting on a masterstroke. A dubious look by a sibling confirmed my doubts.
All of sudden, my cost-saving effort seemed to have flopped. Another, more expensive bag was required and all that effort and extra glue I bought down the drain.
Dogged failure
Then came the instant and brutal self-flagellation. Like clockwork, negative thoughts arrived to condemn me. All of a sudden, the day when my art teacher asked me to draw a straight line and I did, just diagonally across the paper, flitted through my mind. His angry scowl and the way I recoiled from it was retrieved from my memory with skill and precision of a poisonous arrow being released from its bow and hitting its target with unerring accuracy. Then piercing my soul as I relived the sad recollection of how my sensitive self was thoroughly put in place that day. How embarrassed I felt …
Then I was reminded of my absolute lack of skill when I learned knitting: the all-important tension you need was strangely devoid. My sewing – my mind’s eye produced that pink dress that turned out all puckered because of having to redo the stitching. You get the drift – not my thing. That last one was dredged up as I was writing this, all the dreadful proof of my misdemeanours with precision. Alas, I am always willing to put self on the line one more time.
But then thoughts of other more recent failures seemed to fall over each other, in such quick succession were they coming to mind. My lack of success at all the things I had previously tried. All the unfinished projects: a cycle that tends to repeat itself if not put to the sword so to speak. It is funny how they all seem to make a way into your mind at the inopportune and inappropriate times, when you are trying to salvage your self-worth and a somewhat dented ego.
Putting negativity to the sword
The point I want to make is that I knew that this was a blimp in the larger scheme of things; this not-so-great gift bag could ruin my day. If I allowed the perceived failure of this bag to permeate my thoughts for the rest of the day, I would go to the event with that same thinking. People pick up on one’s negativity and probably another cycle of self-fulfilling remarks and conversations would ensue.
This would then feed into an appointment I had later on in the day and affect another important friendship. And I was not having it, I had to nip it in the bud. I knew that there was no way I was going to let that happen. But what would it take to stem the tide of negative thoughts? For me, I had to grab the sword that is the Word of God and not just vaguely look into it but actively wield it. Psalm 27:3 set me aright.
“Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then I will be confident.”
Admittedly, this was an army of negative thoughts and a self-induced war, I still found the confidence in the Word to shrug it off and be confident in the Lord and all He has done for me. Somehow, this promise of God just undergirded my fragile heart. After I mediated on it and also got those horrible feelings of worthless and uselessness off my chest in a conversation with a significant other, I was able to shrug it off and enjoy the event unhindered by all those smarting, underlying feelings. Exhilaratingly, I was able to feel joy, be myself and give to others freely without being impeded by that lingering sense of failure.
I am delighted to report that the event was a huge success for the hostess and that I had a thoroughly great time. I do not believe it would have been the case had a dragged all that old, battered luggage around with me.
Sidestepping a trap
By actively confronting what I was experiencing, I was able to sidestep the all too familiar trap I usually found myself falling into, and hear the toxic refrain: You are not good enough, words that have caused me untold pain and when unchecked, have held me back from going for things because of the incessant fear that maybe I am not good enough in some way fully believing that I will trip up in some way. Does it matter that I am not the world’s greatest when it comes to arts and crafts? Sadly, I fall into the category of those who can fully appreciate great craftsmanship, but often lack the skill. I can literally only dream about it most of the time or practice something for hours, or as long as it takes, to get the desired results.
In those moments, it feels as though I am such a mess, I cannot do anything right. It is important to acknowledge one’s limitations when required. But also to be truthful and acknowledge God-given abilities on the other hand too, I believe. Otherwise, it is a real slippery slope and one finds oneself mired in the sludge of negativity. Some balanced thinking can go a long way to get one to acknowledge the not-so-good parts without feeling damaged and useless in the process.
Transformed thinking
Over the years, when pervasive anxiety and negativity have doggedly pursued me, I have found that only standing on biblical truth has had the power to transform not only my thinking but the trajectory of a day, month, years, life and even eternity in some way.
Sadly, I know that there will be another gift-bag-like episode in the near future, change the styling and details, but something else will come along, probably unexpectedly that will have the power to upend a perfectly beautiful moment. I am learning that by allowing the sword to make a swift appearance, it has the power to brutally decapitate any semblance of a negative thought that the accuser in my head whispers to me when I am at my most vulnerable. By God’s grace, I hope to continue to overcome by his Word. After all, when I am weak, then he his strong the Bible has revealed over and over again.
“That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. “
2 Corinthians 12:10
It certainly gives me a different perspective on life and a newfound confidence in God and the Word that is worth more to me than the ability to tie ribbons beautifully. But never you fear, I won’t give up, I believe that one day, I will create something of beauty.
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